Maybe a more accurate title would be: “The Lack of Sex and the Single Lady.” I used to watch Sex and the City back in the day, I was married and could never quite understand what all of the fuss was about. Why were these women so preoccupied by their own hormones and vaginas? Now that I am a single girl, I understand perfectly! When you’re married, you can have all of the sex you want, which means  that you don’t want to have any sex at all. But when you’re single, you never know when you might have sex again, so it’s a constant preoccupation! ” When will I have sex again? I am dying on the vine here! Who will I have sex with?!!” I really should re watch the series so that I can really appreciate all that I’ve learned as a single, independent woman.
That’s right, these days I have far less sex than I ever have in my life, and I think that a common misconception is that single people have tons of sex with lots of different people, right? Wrong! Single people are free, uninhibited and morally loose? Nope, in fact, I may have sex ONCE every month, two or three. Usually, with recycled ex boyfriends and lovers that come back around for a single purpose, which undoubtedly reminds me every time why they exist only in my past, and why I should keep them there! But for us single gals, we don’t like to increase our “number” for just anyone, so recycling helps us to feel not so bad about the choices we are making for our lives. It’s a little lie I tell myself, but it works pretty well for me to justify my behavior.
Unfortunately, I may also be growing up a little. This is both good and bad for my poor vagina. While I am at the very pinnacle of my sexual evolution, I am also becoming pickier about whom I allow in my life, and what experiences I am willing to have. I used to be all about having experiences, the more, the better.  Now, I’ve realized there are really only certain experiences worth having anymore. I don’t have the pain tolerance that I once did. I endeavor to hurt myself less! So, needless to say, my little kitty cat doesn’t get to purr very often! This is both painfully annoying of my subconscious/ conscious evolution to deny me that which I crave most physically, human connection, and awesomely  perfect that I am taking my power back and picking up all those shattered little fragments of my soul that have been dispersed everywhere, and creating a more whole me. I wrestle with the dilemma of desire and self indulgence. I find that rarely, giving in to desire for the sake of self indulgence, does it work out well for me. I can’t make a relationship what I want, and generally I know what the outcome will be with each person before I even go down that road, so why bother going down the road at all? Just to be self indulgent? Scratch an itch? It’s not worth the heartache of my critical self judgement, and the pain of telling myself “I told you so, why don’t you listen?” For me, casual sex really isn’t that satisfying for these reasons.
So, I guess until I meet someone that might possibly be on the same path, or just maybe might wind up at the same destination eventually, there is no point in putting myself through it. If I truly want to love myself, and I do, then I need to create opportunities to prove to myself that I hold myself a little higher, the opportunity to use my  moral compass from my deepest sense of knowing. To say “NO!” to the things my ego craves because I want better for myself is truly an irritating dichotomy and a paradoxical shift for my psyche. This self awareness shit is killing me, and my sex life!