Bathroom Selfie…. Shameless right? Could you be more disgusted?  I keep seeing these all over Instagram, and I wonder, how does one feel about one’s selfie … when they take a selfie?  I’ve been feeling rejected lately. Rejected by others, but in reality, and if I’m honest, rejected by myself. I know all of the psychology, trust me… I’ve been through more counseling than most… But honestly, what is it about our culture that we feel the need to gain another’s acceptance before we can love ourselves? If I were to look in the mirror, I would say I am looking at a beautiful woman who has much enthusiasm for life and has seen many things, is wise beyond her years, and is kind…. Totally worth loving. It’s interesting because, then I also see what I might perceive others to see (but a really good question is: why do I actually care?), which is whatever the negative projections are that I’ve heard over the years… The tape that plays in my head, irrational thoughts that I told myself before I was old enough to reason… I’ve realized lately, this is what plagues me, this is what I am really dealing with…

I don’t want to be perceived as what I am in the mirror, or at least, not just that!!! God damn it, I’m more than that! This is one of my core issues I’m coming to understand… Beauty is magnificent! But where I came from, it had no currency, as I believe it should not. It’s merely a gift, like any other… At times it is a blessing, and at times it’s been a curse, for I am not seen for WHO I really am, and that is my true hearts desire after all; to be seen and appreciated for WHO I am and WHAT I have to offer, which is IMMENSE!!… What I am also coming to realize is that IT’s OK! It is really ONLY how I feel about myself that matters. What I want others to perceive about me, is yet another reflection of how I want to feel about myself, and after all, I am the only person I know for sure that I will be spending the rest of my life with… Tricky, these games we play on ourselves…

It is far easier to blame someone else for what we lack, than to be honest that we lack integrity and honesty with ourselves. It’s not anyone else that’s making me feel bad about me, it’s really just me! Other people who challenge me are just holding the mirror for me, reminding me of what I still have yet to deal with in myself.  And for all of the things I blame others for, it’s really to justify my self deception. God and that’s the worst kind of deception ever! And for all of the good things that I will not, or can not see in me, that’s also me.. blaming, not wanting to be honest with myself, because it’s so much easier to project it outward… God damn it! Being a grownup is hard, and that is why I’ve never wanted to be one! I find that the more I am open to life lessons, the more I can embrace the me that I want to be, and care less about the person I hope everyone sees and accepts. Pretty stupid lesson to be learning in my 40s… Sometimes we have to keep doing it till we get it right I guess… And maybe that’s just me too, hard headed, stubborn, but that’s ok, cuz after everything and all of that, I kind of dig being me…. And at the end of the day, that’s pretty cool I guessJ